Choosing pallbearers: who, how many, and what they do

How many pallbearers you need

Six is the standard number — three a side — and it suits most caskets and most adults. It spreads the weight evenly and matches the handles on a typical casket. Step up to eight for a heavier casket, a larger person, or a long, uneven carry to a rural grave. A wooden casket is heavier than people expect once someone is inside it, so err toward more hands rather than fewer, and always keep a reserve or two dressed and ready.

• Six for most adult funerals; eight for a heavier casket or a long graveside carry
• One or two reserves ready — a back can give out, or someone may not arrive
• For a child's coffin, two to four, sometimes carried by a parent with siblings
• More hands also means a slower, steadier, safer carry over grass and soil

Who to ask, and how to ask them

The usual bearers are adult sons, brothers, nephews, sons-in-law, grandsons and close friends; in many families the sons and the wife's brothers have an expected place. Ask in person or by phone — never by a group message. Carrying someone is an honour and a duty, and it deserves the courtesy of a real request: 'The family would be honoured if you would help carry [Name].' Ask early, because bearers need dark clothing and some travel far by taxi.

• Choose people of roughly similar height; a big height gap tips the casket and strains the shorter carriers
• Weigh fitness and health honestly — it is a real lift, and no one should struggle on the day
• Ask early enough for dark clothes and travel to be arranged
• Women can and increasingly do carry; willingness and height matter, not gender

What pallbearers do — church and graveside

On the day the duty is short but weighty. At the home or church, the bearers carry or wheel the casket in at the start and out at the end, in step and at the pace the funeral director sets. At the cemetery they carry it from the hearse to the grave and set it on the lowering straps or the bearers laid across the opening. Follow the funeral director throughout — most parlours have someone who choreographs the lift, the carry and the lowering, and their whole job is to make it go smoothly. After the committal, filling the grave is usually done by a wider group of men taking turns, not the bearers alone.

The practicalities — positioning and the lift

Sort out the order before you reach the hearse, not in front of everyone. Line up in matched pairs across the casket and let the funeral director place who goes where; they do this every week and you don't. The carry itself is simple if you agree the basics and move together — the danger points are steps, thresholds, wet grass and the mound of loose soil at the graveside, not the smooth church aisle.

• Decide left/right and front/back before the lift, in matched height pairs
• Lift on a clear count from one person, bending the knees and not the back
• Walk slowly, in step, inside foot first, watching the ground ahead
• Agree a quiet signal to stop and reset if someone loses grip
• In rain, the carry to the grave is the hard part — mind the mud and your shoes

Honorary pallbearers for those who can't carry

When you want to give someone a place at the casket but the weight isn't wise — an elderly relative, a frail lifelong friend, the deceased's sisters — name them honorary pallbearers. It confers the honour without the lift. Honorary bearers walk beside or just behind the casket, or lead the procession in, and their names go in the programme alongside the carrying bearers. This is also the graceful answer when more people wish to carry than a casket has handles: no one is turned away, and everyone has a named place in the farewell.

Listing pallbearers in the programme

Seeing their name in the order of service is part of the honour, so list the bearers by name, usually near the committal or on the back page. Give the carrying bearers and the honorary bearers their own headings so the two roles are clear. Get the spelling and initials right by checking with each man rather than guessing — a misspelt name in a keepsake booklet is remembered long after the day.

• Two headings: 'Pallbearers' and 'Honorary Pallbearers'
• Confirm each name's spelling and initials with the person
• In our programme editor there is a place for both lists; add reserves or leave them off as you prefer
• Have the programme director read the names aloud too, for those without a booklet